Tuesday, May 22, 2007

BUSTED!

In my day you could get away with being a celebrity criminal because we didn't have the inter web! And taking a cue from my old friends Lana Turner and Zsz Zsa Gabor it's better to look good than plead guilty. Nowadays your mug shot gets downloaded from London to moose jaw,and for any little thing -from MURDER to shoplifting. You sure don't want to look like NO NO NICK NOLTE.
So for Zeus sake,make sure if you plan on driving drunk or shoplifting, take a cue from Winona Ryder...wear clean underwear. As the boy scouts say,Be prepared!
Paris Hilton will be singing a song in sing sing. And no matter how demure she tried to dress, she couldn't fool the law. As the song says I fought the law and the law won.
Sometimes changing your look can fool judge and jury...and keep you from going up the river. Look at P.Diddy and J. Lo, the biggest asses in Hollywood. he ditched the bling and Gangsta for saville row and got himself acquitted. Now this doesn't work for everybody(however Gordon Campbell isn't in jail) Martha Stewart could not have dressed more conservatively. But she didn't fool anybody packing that 5000 dollar Birken Bag. She screamed RICH BITCH. Instead she wound up in the crow bar hotel and all she got was a poncho and a recipe for Kraft Dinner!
If dressing conservatively doesn't work for you, play the crazy card-like Micheal Jackson showing up in pajamas. Or Phil Specter in his fright wig, which has now magically turned into a blond page boy.
Whitney Houston and Courtney Love_ always play the crazy card. And keep avoiding spending any time in the cooler. We call it dazzle camouflage. No one wants to deal with them. The jails are crazy enough!
And then there is the cleavage card. Well it didn't work for l'il Kim , she went up the river. Think globally , act locally- how about Vancouver's own Pussy galore-Gillian Guess, she skipped a step and slept with the defendant. Where is she now? Not in Vancouver.
If the crazy card lets you down then take a tip from Naomi Campbell and milk it for all it's worth. Look fabulous scrubbing toilets. On her last day of community service she left in Dolce and Gabbana. Now that's class!
There are plenty of celebs who wished they looked better in their encounters with the authorities, Diana Ross must have regretted that cat suit at heath row. And Glen campbell looked awful in his mug shot( he should have smiled purdy for the camera).
Just remember Kids if you look good no one cares! Look at Eddie Murphy and his transvestite hooker they looked fantastic!
So if you are thinking of a life of crime? get a stylist!
Thanks comedy team Denise Parkinson and Fleur Mathewson

Monday, May 21, 2007

Elephant Fever


















Why can we never get enough of ELEPHANTS?

WHY?

From the Maasai Mara to Lake Nakuru to the outskirts of Nairobi, from Amboseli to Lake Manyara to the Serengeti, from the Ngorongoro Crater to Tarangire (among the Baobabs), we could never get enough of ELEPHANTS!

Maybe it's because of the intelligence they emanate. Or the absolute quietness of their walk as they pad through the grasslands and forests.

The beauty of their massive ears and incredible trunks?


The fact that they show obvious affection for each other and even grieve at elephant grave sites?


Or just their tremendous size and shape standing out against the most beautiful landscapes in the world.

Hmm, or as you'll see if you zoom in on some of these pics, maybe it just made Brad and I happier about the appearance of our own skins.


All we know is that we want to go back again some day to revisit these gentle giants that helped us to appreciate just how truly magnificent life on this planet can be.

Yours truly,

FANG

Thursday, May 17, 2007

THE GREAT CANADIAN CLEANUP


Yes fellow citizens, it is time for an overhaul! I want all of you to go to his or her closets, drawers or heap and recycle donate and throw out! As a nation we have been getting away with looking like crap for far too long! In my day, you had work wear, weekend wear, and dress up. And never the twain shall meet! Nowadays I see fleece jackets over evening dresses and swim trunks as shorts. What happened, when did it get so relaxed? I think it was casual Fridays or as my friend Fleur says "Woodstock". Now we have got to get some rules back in place and they are simple.
Stop dressing like a soccer mom,unless you are a soccer mom and you are going to a soccer game!
Baseball hats as ponytail holders - STOP IT!
VISORS - Who the hell brought those back? And if you have to wear one (for sports only) don't work your hairdo around it. It is not a hair band!
BRA STRAPS WITH RACER BACK TANK TOPS - In my day that was trashy!
I SEE LONDON I SEE FRANCE I AM SICK OF SEEING YOUR UNDERPANTS! Men and woman stop this! Pull up your pants get a belt!
Unless you are a skater dude and you are under 21, stop wearing those skater dude culottes! They cut your legs in half and make them look like Little stumps!
Young men stop wearing baggy ass pants! This is the only time in your life that your bum is going to look good, so don't waste it!
Please throw away anything PLEATED - Why add bulk and poof?
If you have big calves, don't wear a Capri or crop pant, it's like you had to cut your pants just to get them on!
MESH ANYTHING - throw it away! Those mesh trucker hats make you look like a hillbilly prisoner.
HOCKEY JERSEYS are fun for the hockey game, but that is it!
And what is with those silky satin basketball shorts and tanks the boys are wearing? They look like grannies' underpants and they are always worn by boys who look like the only sport they play is "game boy".
Stop wearing LOGO t-shirts and corporate wear unless you are being paid!
I HATE YOGA PANTS (except for yoga) - basically PE clothes are for PE.
Is FLEECE the national fabric of Canada? I love that it is made from pop bottles but sheesh!
What is with that new I forgot my pants look? Leggings are not pants and leotards are not leggings!
I HATE NOVELTY JEANS!
TUBE TOPS! They make your boobs look like tubes!
HUNGRY BUM,you know when it looks like your ass is eating your pants.
I am not a prude but there is way too much skin going on out there, and for Zeus sake I don't want to see your SURREY LICENCE PLATE (lower back tattoo).
So c'mon citizens, lets do it! One mom jean at a time!



Wednesday, May 09, 2007

THE MAASAI

The maasai were the highlight of our trip! They are not in costume ! That is for real. They are gorgeous,smart ,funny,and rich! They are my kind of people,and surprisingly not as tall as you think. They keep their skin looking beautiful from drinking milk and cows blood. And they have the whitest healthiest teeth from brushing with some stick .












Friday, May 04, 2007

AFRICA







Fang and I are back from the "DARK CONTINENT", what a trip ! From lost luggage to adopting a little girl(more on that later)we had a fab time! I almost started believing in god! Don't worry still a flag waving atheist! But what a beautiful and horrible place! Each week I am going to do a new story ! Right now I can't stop thinking about those gorgeous giraffes. They move like dinosaurs and are so gentle and graceful!

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