Tuesday, May 22, 2007


In my day you could get away with being a celebrity criminal because we didn't have the inter web! And taking a cue from my old friends Lana Turner and Zsz Zsa Gabor it's better to look good than plead guilty. Nowadays your mug shot gets downloaded from London to moose jaw,and for any little thing -from MURDER to shoplifting. You sure don't want to look like NO NO NICK NOLTE.
So for Zeus sake,make sure if you plan on driving drunk or shoplifting, take a cue from Winona Ryder...wear clean underwear. As the boy scouts say,Be prepared!
Paris Hilton will be singing a song in sing sing. And no matter how demure she tried to dress, she couldn't fool the law. As the song says I fought the law and the law won.
Sometimes changing your look can fool judge and jury...and keep you from going up the river. Look at P.Diddy and J. Lo, the biggest asses in Hollywood. he ditched the bling and Gangsta for saville row and got himself acquitted. Now this doesn't work for everybody(however Gordon Campbell isn't in jail) Martha Stewart could not have dressed more conservatively. But she didn't fool anybody packing that 5000 dollar Birken Bag. She screamed RICH BITCH. Instead she wound up in the crow bar hotel and all she got was a poncho and a recipe for Kraft Dinner!
If dressing conservatively doesn't work for you, play the crazy card-like Micheal Jackson showing up in pajamas. Or Phil Specter in his fright wig, which has now magically turned into a blond page boy.
Whitney Houston and Courtney Love_ always play the crazy card. And keep avoiding spending any time in the cooler. We call it dazzle camouflage. No one wants to deal with them. The jails are crazy enough!
And then there is the cleavage card. Well it didn't work for l'il Kim , she went up the river. Think globally , act locally- how about Vancouver's own Pussy galore-Gillian Guess, she skipped a step and slept with the defendant. Where is she now? Not in Vancouver.
If the crazy card lets you down then take a tip from Naomi Campbell and milk it for all it's worth. Look fabulous scrubbing toilets. On her last day of community service she left in Dolce and Gabbana. Now that's class!
There are plenty of celebs who wished they looked better in their encounters with the authorities, Diana Ross must have regretted that cat suit at heath row. And Glen campbell looked awful in his mug shot( he should have smiled purdy for the camera).
Just remember Kids if you look good no one cares! Look at Eddie Murphy and his transvestite hooker they looked fantastic!
So if you are thinking of a life of crime? get a stylist!
Thanks comedy team Denise Parkinson and Fleur Mathewson

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?